“I reached out trying to love but I feel nothing. Yeah, my heart is numb” - OneRepublic’s “Feel Again”
This. This may just be the perfect description of how I’ve been feeling lately… Numb.
I want to have emotions and I want to feel but something’s just not capturing inside of me. Things aren’t hitting me the same way they used to. I don’t feel love and I can’t cry. This brick wall is up and I don’t even know how it got there…
“But with you, I feel again.” I’m waiting… Not for a “you” but for this dreaded empty-heartedness to go away. I’m waiting for a big pot of bunny rabbits and rainbows to warm my heart up.
Maybe that’s why “everything that kills me makes me feel alive.” I’ve been numb for so long that I actually want to feel pain… have this need to feel pain just to remind myself that I’m not an empty shell.
I don’t know what happy feels like. I don’t know what sadness is anymore. Not remembering how it feels is saddening… yet here I am. Numb.
This better be just a damn phase.